Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
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currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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