I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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