I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.