I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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