did you get engaged???
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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