The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i've created a new STD.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
