I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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