member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
