You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
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And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
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I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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