So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
