I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
