Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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