I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I can feel your judgement through the phone
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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