I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
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The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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