I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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