i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
