I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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