this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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