a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
