Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
