Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
