just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
