Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
