I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
