I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
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I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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