and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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