I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
