you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother