I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
