I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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