I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.