once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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