i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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