3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
