Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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