i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
