Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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