I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
