The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
