god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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