I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
