I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
