he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
