When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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