I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
