Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
