Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
