You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
