I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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