I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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