Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
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The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
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You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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