i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
