Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
