Well apparently he's into motor boating.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
