how can u be prego again
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
