i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
