I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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