I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
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Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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