You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
